I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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