the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
