I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
