the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
