Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
