i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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