we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
