It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
