i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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