I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
