I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
