Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
