just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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