I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
