The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
