At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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