I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
