Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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