So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
