did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
