I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
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he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
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Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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