I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
