This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
