On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
