Just cropdusted the office
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
