We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
