Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Randomize
