if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
