I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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