I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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