Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
