he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
