I am puke
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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