I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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