you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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