Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
