i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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