He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
