im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
