you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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