He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
the liver wants what the liver wants
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
