So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
