guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
