My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
