i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
