Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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