I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
