I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
