Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
