Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
