So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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