I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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