I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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