Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
