OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
