I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
