He disabled his match.com account in front of me
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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