Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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