Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
