my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I AM VODKA MAN
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
